Resolution Rehab

Resolution Rehab

by Shannon Nering

I have a love hate relationship with New Year’s Resolutions. They never usually work out for me. I told myself in December, “This year, don’t bother, don’t think about it!” And as New Years Eve tick-tock’ed to its climax, I could hear my resolutions tapping on my brain like the incessant scratching of rats in the attic: “Let me in! You know you want me! Open this door!”

You see, I make New Year’s resolutions every year like it’s my religion. And I break New Year’s resolutions every year like it’s my religion. And this has been going on for years. But… Dammit! It’s January 22^nd and they’re still scratching. I can no longer deny these hairy little bitches.

Here goes. I’m writing them down. I’m doing it. But be warned, I’m scared, very, very scared:

1)    Meditate, and actually be the health/yoga guru I pretend to be. Shh…don’t tell my yoga students I don’t meditate.

2)    Lose the last five pounds, or is it 10?, whatever, get there.

3)    Kick my sugar habit and drink less coffee/wine (and actually be the health/yoga guru I pretend to be). Pretty much #2.

4)   Be more patient (and actually be the…). You get the picture.

5)   Hit it out of the park (apply to whatever idea du jour I’ve cooked up, i.e. a novel, a salad dressing, a sock puppet, a multi-national cosmetic company).

6)   Be the best mom I can be (#4 could solve this). And yes, I recognize this should be #1, but this isn’t about my kids right now. Everything else is about my kids. This is not. My resolutions are about me!

7)   Hit it out of the park for real! Because the exclamation point means it will happen.

8)   Master crow pose. Should someone who can’t do crow even teach yoga?

9)   Hit it out of the park. Just in case I didn’t “get it” when I wrote it the 1^st and 2^nd time.

10)  Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. This is the most important one. I learned it from penguins.

Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. So what does it mean when you want to do something over and over again, but never actually “do” it. Is that insane too? Or is it hopeless? Would I be better off insane? Because at least I’d be doing it? And will I finally do it this year? Will waiting 22 days and making a stink about it be some strange karmic catalyst? And what does waiting 22 days have to do with karma? Does karma believe in pity?

I’m sounding a little pathetic. I’m not actually. But I’ve had a bit of a year (not 2013, 2012. Geez, not that redonk, haven’t destroyed 2013… yet) and I’m in a bit of a slump. And though I actually do “do” things, get them done, I wonder if I’m actually improving as a human being, am I happier? I’m wondering if I’m learning, getting better, figuring it out (it = life), and making my way toward bliss. Maybe my resolutions would be solved if I could just evolve. Or maybe it’s just a big fat who cares, F#$@%# the stupid resolutions and just be.

As Dr. Shapoopra (Deepak Chopra) says (and I call him Shapoopra because the good doctor did not return my request for an interview last year, and it was for CBC, I thank you Mr. Big League), anyhoo, I’ll still quote him, he says, “we’re human beings not human doings.” Could have fooled me big guy. You’re quite the dooer, Shapooper! But seriously, maybe he’s right? His advice may not be good enough for him, but it’s probably good enough for me? BE you schlep, just be!

At this point you’re probably wondering why I’m even writing this article/blog because I clearly have no answers. I need a New Year’s Resolution Rehab Centre and I need it quick, or maybe just a good life coach – and not one of those got-my-life-coach-cert-online-after-a-month’s-training coaches, the other kind, the ones who got it in two months. They’re the real deal.

Anyway, Chopra’s wrong: “just be!” Meh. I like to strive and I like to try and I’ll get bored just being. How do you even do that? It took me 22 days to figure out I actually NEED my New Years Resolutions.

So, this year I crank it to 11. I’m going to try a little harder or maybe just try a little different. And, I’m going to try not to be insane by doing the same thing over and over and thinking the same thing over and over. I have a whole new approach. I don’t know what it is yet, but when I do, I’ll tell you. In fact, here’s the deal I’ll make with myself, and Dr. Shapoopra (because I know he cares somewhere deep in that I’m-too-busy-for-CBC-enlightened-soul-of-his, no chip on this shoulder), that if I don’t reach the above mentioned resolutions by December 31^st, 2013, I will drop these precious goals like Frodo’s beloved ring and toss them to the conflagration. That is the deal. 343 days and counting. Tick-tock-tick-tock.

About Shannon Nering

Shannon Nering’s the ultimate do-it-all hipster mom who’s juggling screaming children, plummeting career cache, sexy wif’ing and sagging body parts, while trying to be the best parent she can be without turning herself into a pretzel. She’s also a much-in-demand docu-reality producer and director, whose savant-like understanding of the genre, combined with her ability to create intimate bonds with her subjects, pays off in riveting television… and now riveting novels like REALITY JANE. Check out her web-site: www.shannonnering.com snering@shaw.ca